Category Archives: Advice

ghosting

ATTENTION – 4 Questions to Consider Before “Ghosting”

ATTENTION SINGLES – Four Questions to Consider Before “Ghosting”

written by: Shay Lief/Scenergy Dating Blog Contributor

 

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With the advent of advanced technology, the world of modern romance is full of online dating and relationships maintained through texting, Facetime, phone calls, and social media rather than face-to-face time together. This shift in dating has opened the doors for a new method of ‘breaking up’ called ghosting. Ghosting is a term used to describe the new dating phenomenon when one of the participants in a relationship suddenly stops contacting the person they’ve been dating and refuses to respond to their calls, texts, social media messages, and other attempts the other person makes to get in touch with them. Many people practice ghosting because they believe it is easier or less traumatic than telling the person they are dating that they are not interested in seeing them anymore. However, before you ghost someone, it’s important to consider the following four questions.

Do you Care About your Reputation?

Ghosting someone you are dating can significantly impact your own personal reputation. The practice of ghosting is widely renowned as rude, disrespectful, inconsiderate, and discourteous. Before you ghost someone, think about whether those negative traits are the types of characteristics you want to be associated with and known for within the circle of people who are aware that you ghosted someone else. Ghosting someone else can damage your own reputation among friends and even hurt your chances of dating someone new in the future if they find out what you did to the last person you dated. If you don’t want people to think of you as a disrespectful and unkind person as a whole, don’t show them that you are by ghosting someone.

Would you Act Similarly in the Workplace?

Ghosting is extremely unprofessional. While you might argue that dating isn’t about professionalism, dating and ghosting can be strongly paralleled to life in the workforce. If you demonstrated interest in a job and even showed up for a preliminary interview with the manager of the company, would you fail to call that manager back if he called you to request a second interview? Your answer to that question is most-likely no. Even if you found an alternative position and were no longer interested in the job you originally interviewed for, you would probably have the courtesy and consideration to let that company know that you no longer wanted to take the position they offered you. This obvious common courtesy that you would display in your professional life should apply to your personal dating life as well.

Would you Want to be Ghosted?

If you ghost someone who you are dating, you cannot expect respect from them or from anyone you date in the future. Before you ghost someone, think about how you would feel if the situation were reversed. Ghosting can have severe consequences on one’s self-esteem and the perspective they have on their future relationships. Although ghosting might seem to you like a quick and simple way to get out of an uncomfortable break-up conversation, it is incredibly inconsiderate and rude to the person you’ve been dating. Although ghosting someone else might not have long-lasting consequences for you, it can have extremely severe negative emotional impacts on the other person. Considering how you would feel if you were ghosted can help discourage you from ghosting someone else.

Do you Care about the Other Person at All?

If you are considering ghosting the person you are dating, it is apparent that you do not want to date them anymore and that you are no longer interested in them in a romantic way. However, if you dated them in the first place, something about them interested you or caused you to care about them at one time. Regardless of whether you are still attracted to them or interested in them romantically, you probably still care about them or respect them as a person or as a friend. If so, do not ghost the person you’ve been dating. Ghosting can be incredibly emotionally destructive to the person who is ghosted. It can make them question the existence of love as a whole as well as cause them to feel sad and confused for a much longer period of time than it would have taken for them to move on with their life if you had broken up with them officially.

Do you Respect Yourself?

Ghosting is not just about respecting the other person you are dating; it’s also about respecting yourself. If you consider yourself to be in good moral standing and possess a kind and considerate inner personality, don’t let yourself down by ghosting someone else. You might not feel as though you owe it to the person you are dating to let them know that you don’t want to talk to them anymore. However, you still owe it to yourself to maintain your own good character by doing the right thing and acting in a courteous way in all of your relationships, if only to retain your sense of self-worth and prove to yourself that you are a person of substance.

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Have Singles Lost that “Magic Feeling”?

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Have Singles Lost that “Magic Feeling”?

written by: Ellen Curnow/Scenergy Dating Blog Contributor

Blondie sang, “Here come’s the 21st Century, it’s gonna be much better for a girl like me”. But was she right? Especially when it comes to the world of dating?

Single life, and the search for love, have changed dramatically since Debbie Harry pranced around the stage singing, “I want that man!” Has the magic gone out of dating? Does that first dinner feel more like a job interview? Do you still get butterflies in the stomach?

Let’s explore the face of dating in the age of Tinder, texting and Facebook.

NOW AND THEN: HAS DATING REALLY CHANGED THAT MUCH?
On the surface, the answer is YES. For anyone re-entering singledom after a few years coupled up, the scene seems to have changed dramatically. Mobile apps let you locate and chat to any singles within a mile of you. Pages of duck-faced selfies give false impressions. You know a person’s height, weight, hair color, occupation, salary and hobbies without having to engage in conversation.You can send a series of abbreviated (and essentially meaningless) texts to find out if someone’s on the same page. The magic of meeting someone at a friend’s party and building up the courage to ask them out on a date is gone. Romance appears to be dead.

But, underneath all that, dating today is still the same as it was 20 or 30 years ago. You’re still looking for someone to connect with. For that magic spark. You still want to fall in love.

TOO MANY OPTIONS?
Does this scenario sound familiar? You’ve had an unsuccessful date. For whatever reason there was just no spark. Before you even make it to the car park, you’re texting the next option or scrolling Tinder to see who’s new.

In days gone by, it was actually quite hard to meet people, now it seems there are too many options. There’s a danger in this: you’re always wondering if the other people you’re chatting with are a better option than the one sitting in front of you. You can’t remember what you said to whom. The temptation to “keep your options open” ruins any chance of making a meaningful connection.

Don’t be overwhelmed by the plethora of choice that technology seems to offer you. And remember to be a decent human being. Take it slow. Date one person at a time. This is supposed to be fun!

THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY (AND THE ONE YOU JUST CAN’T SHAKE!):
Dating is fraught with disappointment. You meet someone and think they might just be the one. Unfortunately, they don’t feel the same about you. This might happen more often these days because the world of dating is much faster and because there are more options, but it’s pretty much always been that way. It’s all part of the adventure. Embrace it.

Or, there’s the opposite scenario:
So you’ve been on a couple of dates and you realize you’re not really into this person. In the past, you might have told them so and parted ways. Now, you’re Facebook friends, they’ve got your cell phone number and can reach you wherever you are, they can see when you’re on Tinder. In the world of technological dating, it can be really hard to shake that unsuccessful date.

Just a side note: if you can’t resist the temptation to text, call or Facebook stalk the “one that got away”, then YOU’RE the one that THEY just can’t shake.

Do yourself a favor: delete that number!

WHAT HAPPENED TO MYSTERY?
Okay, I’m not such a prude as to suggest you have to wait for marriage before you do the deed.
But… isn’t there something to be said for a little mystery?

With modern technology it’s likely that, before you’ve even met, you’ve already seen more of each other than couples of the past would have glimpsed before their wedding night!

If dating in the 21st century really has lost it’s magic then this has to be one of the biggest reasons why. That magic, that feeling of butterflies in the stomach came out of the mystery and anticipation of getting to know the other person. Don’t let go of that too quickly, there’s no rush.

HAVE ROMANTIC MOVIES RUINED US FOR DATING?
Boy meets girl. A series of comical misunderstandings. An eventual declaration of everlasting love. And finally, wedding bells.

We’re practically fed this crap with our Mothers’ milk. From old fashioned fairy tales like Cinderella, to Disney classics like Beauty and the Beast, to Jane Austen, to romantic comedies on Netflix. We’re raised with the ideals of “one true love” and “happily ever after”. But do these books and movies set us up with unrealistic expectations and the certainty of disappointment? Particularly on the modern dating scene?

If you’re going on a date wondering what song you’ll have at your wedding or what to name your children, you’re doing it wrong. If you’ve got a Tinder or internet dating profile that goes something like, “My ideal partner is tall, good looking, healthy, wealthy, fit, organized, motivated, relaxed, funny…etc, etc, etc,” you’re also doing it wrong. And here’s why: you’re looking for some sort of movie star ideal and not a real person. You’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

While you were waiting to meet your one true love and for your life to magically transform into some sort of Disney movie, you missed out on getting to know (and maybe to love?) a real person. Drop the cookie cutter ideal and be genuine and open: see your date as a unique individual.

SUMMARY: DATING IN THE 21ST CENTURY – LET’S NOT LOSE THE MAGIC!
So, to finish off, I’d like to propose 5 simple rules for keeping the magic alive on the single scene in 2016.

1. Date one person at a time: be yourself, get to know them and enjoy their company (preferably in person and not through text). Don’t expect Prince (or Princess!) Charming and a ride off into the sunset. But don’t write people off at first glance either. We all have hidden depths.
2. Chivalry is not dead: you can be a lot more creative and romantic than Netflix and the sofa!
3. Get to know the person BEFORE you jump in the sack! Keep the mystery alive!
4. Suggestive (or downright nude!) photos are never a good idea when you’re looking for love.
5. Do not “Drink and Dial”. If you’re heading out on the town, write all potential soulmate’s numbers down in a notebook, hide it and delete their digits from your phone. There’s nothing worse than a sloppy declaration of love at 2 am. Not to mention the horror of waking up to find you booty called the wrong person.

Don’t give up hope. Single life needn’t be a technological and emotional minefield. Romantic love is just as possible as it was in any other generation . Boy can still meet girl. All you need to do is keep it real.

selfies

A Gazillion Of Fitness Selfies – Does It Work For or Against You?

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David Sharpe/Scenergy Dating Contributor

January 16, 2016

A Gazillion Of Fitness Selfies – Does It Work For or Against You?

 

It’s 2016, and we’re no doubt neck-deep in the culture of social media. With popular platforms such as Facebook, Twitter and Instagram teaming with hundreds of millions of active subscribers, it doesn’t come as a surprise that nowadays people live, eat, work and dress for their social media image. The obsession has grown and spread tentative roots in the deepest recesses of humanity to the extent that nowadays we consciously and sub-consciously invest a lot of time and money in our social media presence. Heck, some of even workout solely and specifically to carve out those photogenic rock-hard abs that look good through Instagram filters.

Speaking of which, fitness selfies are the next hottest thing on most photography-based social media platforms just right after #duckface and #goofy selfies. Log on to Instagram any minute of the day and you’re likely to be bombarded by a multitude of otherwise gorgeous men and women clutching their iPhones in fluorescent-lit gym rooms parading their hard-earned and sculpted muscles in exchange for likes and a few ( a bit exaggerated ) gushing comments. And if you’re ‘lucky’ or ‘attractive’ enough to have a steady social media following, your pics will be ‘shared’ far and wide across all the four corners of the Facebook universe. Interesting it is, but such is life as the first quarter of the 21st Century slowly ebbs away.

But if you choose to look keenly at it, you can unearth a few interesting observation/explanations behind this rising trend. For starters, it seems as if the age-old battle of the sexes has taken a new front. Since time immemorial, men -and the male species at large – have had to fight it out among themselves to win or increase their chances of winning the few receptive females in any population. Nowadays, men no longer to converge at the village squares to wrestle for the fairest beauty in town. Rather, the battle for supremacy and male dominance has taken to social media, more specifically Instagram and Facebook. And what’s a better way of outshining your peers than by painting a glossy picture of a healthy, athletic and virile man. It’s all about social currency. The more you have it, the better your ego is massaged.

The script doesn’t read when it comes to fairer sex. Nowadays curves and flat tummies are endowed as much as they are worshipped. More and more women are recognizing the social benefit of hitting the gym and heading straight to the dumbbells and squats section and not just whirling time away on the treadmill. And what do they do just before hitting the gym showers? Take a selfie when all sweaty and ‘worked out’. Most of this end up garnering a ton of ‘likes’ from keen admirers and stalkers alike.

Well, as much as this #fitnessSelfie thing has encouraged a couple of average movers to up their weight-training game ( because let’s face it, very few people will go to the gym and not carry their Instagram handles with them ), it has its own unique set of pros and cons; particularly when it comes to dating.

For starters, here are are a couple of stinging jabs for the guys;

1. The Average Woman Considers a ‘Too Athletic’ Build a Relationship Deal breaker.

While it’s attractive to physically fit – in fact, nothing turns a woman on like a well-chiseled physique – the average woman cringes and retracts back to her shell at the sight of a very sinewy muscled man. If anything, according to a recent study [http://psp.sagepub.com/content/early/2015/10/07/0146167215609064.full ] a staggering 70% of American women between 24 and 32 found consider ‘too athletic’ men as less attractive and appealing than their average build counterparts.

In other words, this implies that as much as women are impressed by a guy who regularly works out to maintain a clean, gluten-free frame, overdoing it works more against you than for you. So, gentlemen, your gym selfies are great, but you don’t need to empty your whole gallery on Instagram just make a point. Just like anything else in life, moderation is the spice that makes it worthwhile.

On the other hand, the story is the exact opposite when it comes to women. Men being visual creatures will appreciate a well-trimmed posterior any time of the day whether it is taken in the gym, in the shower or outdoors. Nonetheless, while a battalion of high-res fitness selfies could attract an array of admirers, who’s to say that it will hold their attention forever?

2. A Gazillion of Fitness Selfies Without Any Meaningful Context Paints You as a Self-Indulgent, Shallow Man

Yes, it might not be a no-brainer, but there’s really no denying that nothing puts off women like a guy who’s so obsessed with his physical looks, gym selfies aside. So you know you’ll have a problem attracting ladies if a good chunk of your photos features a shirtless you especially without any meaningful/inspiring captions to accompany them. [ http://www.techinsider.io/why-women-dont-like-gym-selfies-in-online-dating-2015-10 ]

3.Over-editing Your Gym Selfies Flags Narcissism and Self-Objectification

Your gym selfies might be cute, ( whether you’re a guy or lady ) but if you go ahead to make such a big deal out of them by heavily editing and applying shades of filters on them, you’re likely to come out more like a hopeless narcissist ( one who values their looks more than anything else ) than a confident man or woman in their own skin.

This observation is based on a 2014 research [http://mic.com/articles/107922/guys-with-selfies-on-their-online-dating-profiles-really-are-the-worst-science-confirms#.nh3c0VP9s ] that unearthed that men who post numerous selfies ( not necessarily gym ones ) were three times as likely to suffer from extreme psychopathy and narcissism than those who had none. And sadly, this type of high self-regard stinks more than it appeals. Hey, it’s a competitive world and anything that implies self-imposed pride doesn’t really augur well with most people.

Final Thoughts

While fitness selfies might bump up your chances of winning over that crush you’ve been trying to inbox on Facebook or Twitter, the hard truth is that the prospect of a meaningful relationship typically extends more a couple of 4 Mega Pixel shots. In any case, you well-trimmed body might be one of the qualities that he/she finds attractive in you, but a few years down the line, your gym photos will matter less than your ability to keep the romance burning.

The bottom line? Do it for fun, but don’t bank solely on it to keep a serious relationship going.

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Dating in 20 Years: The Lasting Impact of Mobile Technology

Dating in 20 Years: The Lasting Impact of Mobile Technology

Anyone who’s ever played the dating game can tell you that finding the right partner will never be as simple as “Swipe Left to pass, Swipe Right to ‘like,” but the unprecedented success of the Tinder app has shown that for some people, it can be close enough. The app simplified dating in a way no other dating service ever had before: you’re given a list of users close to you – a virtual catalog, if you will – and you can try to sift through the list to find someone you’d want to date or hook up with, and hope that they feel the same way about you.

What used to be week-long waits of waiting for an online dating service to find matches for you and then communicating via messages on the website turned into a process that could potentially take all of three minutes. Of course, whether this is a good or a bad thing is still up for debate. It’s made the process that much faster and more convenient, but is that always a good thing – especially when it comes to trying to find a partner? Or are we just promoting an unhealthy relationship with our phones again?

When smartphones started becoming mainstream, surveys revealed that we had begun spending more time with our phones than with our partners, with the average smartphone user spending upwards of two hours a day just starting at their phone’s screen, and only spending 97 minutes a day with their significant other. That was two years ago, and everyone knows that the mobile industry has continued to evolve since then. We wouldn’t be surprised if we spend even more time on our phones now that they’ve virtually become the all-in-one tool for modern living.

Earlier this year, Chris Feliciano wrote about how 20 years have changed dating, discussing how our obsession with technology has made it difficult for us to connect, or meet new people in the ways we did before the internet became mainstream. Social media and mobile apps have changed the way we communicate and ask each other out, and it’s leaving a lasting impression on the dating industry.

With smartphones still being improved, there’s little doubt that they’ll stay relevant in our daily lives, and in a few years’ time, we might be completely dependent on them. How could the dating scene evolve with our smartphones? For one thing, communication pre-date and post-date will definitely continue to change. Surveys have revealed that as early as 2013, the pre-date and post-date texts had been important parts of the dating process, and many relied on this communication to see if the relationship would have a future at all.

Flirting via text messages and sexting may see a bigger role in the future as well. Earlier this year, surveys by Adam and Eve revealed that sexting is quickly becoming an important part of the dating process itself, with nearly 95% of the Americans who admit to sexting (sending sexually explicit photographs or messages via cell phone) saying they send sexual thoughts or ideas, 38% saying they send sexy selfies and 36% send explicit images, and nearly 20% saying they show their faces in their sexts. Sexting may very well turn out to be another necessary layer of post-date communication, and with the rise of apps like Tinder, sexts might be on the menu for pre-date texts as well.

And let’s admit it: mobile phones don’t just make us lazy, they make us more critical of others too. While sitting at a table on your first date, you’re likely to judge your potential partner based not just on their phone habits, but on their phones as well, and nobody could really blame you. These days, the way you handle your phone can speak a lot towards your personality, and some studies even claim a relationship between the kind of phone you have and the kind of partner you are. According to the Huffington Post, “Apparently, the device you carry speaks loudly (even when your ringer is on silent). An iPhone or Android isn’t just a tech choice, it can give dates insight into your personality and behaviors, too. The study found that Android users are the more polite eDaters–they’re more likely to pick up a date at home, pay for the first date, eat at a nice restaurant and send a post-date text.”

As we continue to rely on our mobile phones in our day-to-day lives, so too do we continue to rely on them for our dating lives, and within the next 20 years, we may see our phones becoming indispensable to the dating scene.

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“Naked Guy Pic” – 5 Observations & Random Thoughts

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Yes you might think, “Wow that is a tasteless photo” well it definitely is – and it’s very real. The photo included in this blog inspired the writings below, after it was reported by one of our own clients in Boston. For some reason, this photo became the “gentlemen’s” profile photo on a meetup.com group. I can just imagine his mindset as he stood in front of that mirror one fateful evening and proceeded to take a few photos until he decided which one was the weiner out of all of them. Then he uploads the photo on to his computer and starts to mess with some default blue Powerpoint shapes to expertly cover up his face and “Mr. Russel the Oned Eyed Muscle”.

Have us men lost our complete sanity? What has convinced us that a quality woman will magically swoon and feel chemistry based on a picture like this?

5 Observations & Random Thoughts:

1. Men are naturally the hunters which makes them much more assertive and forthright with their sexual desires. Women on the other hand desire a more emotional and invested approach, so it takes time and self-discipline.

2. A woman needs to feel that there is some sort of exclusivity or at least the feeling of before expressing themselves in a sexual manner. Though it’s never proven, it is more likely that a woman that’s much more polished compared to her counterparts will take longer to express her sexual side. The sad assumption is men assume she will be a bore when things become finally become intimate. They don’t wait around and get back to their naked selfie ways.

3. There was at least one woman that accepted and encouraged him to send that photo, he now has accepted that as the law of the land in his “dating paradigm” (I’ll discuss dating paradigm in a members only video). He may not have the patience or energy to earn a good woman by his side, thus that type of photo becomes his profile.

4. Honestly should not always be rewarded. He may think to himself, “Well at least I’m letting women know what my intentions are” is not always a justification. Men should call other men out in the name of brotherhood and women should call these type of men out just for their own self-improvement. Us humans have a way of allowing ego and distorted reality to convince us we are doing the right thing when it comes to dating – that’s where a DateDoc comes in ; )

5. A bit related to #1 and #2 but it’s hard to believe someone can bounce back and talk about metaphysics, life goals, and their interpretation of zodiac sign compatibility when they lead with a “won’t break the internet” photo. Adding a bit of caliber and respect to your repertoire will make you a more valued man.

So what are your thoughts, do women secretly enjoy these type of photos or could do without being bombarded by R rated from the get go? Men, are you guilty of sending a naked photo a bit quicker than you should have?

Heck who knows, I guess if animals could text they would send photos of them wearing clothes during mating season.

 

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…now my eyes don’t feel as cursed anymore!

 

Until next time,

Chris “DateDoc” Feliciano

www.scenergy-dating.com