Tag Archives: dating advice

ghosting

ATTENTION – 4 Questions to Consider Before “Ghosting”

ATTENTION SINGLES – Four Questions to Consider Before “Ghosting”

written by: Shay Lief/Scenergy Dating Blog Contributor

 

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With the advent of advanced technology, the world of modern romance is full of online dating and relationships maintained through texting, Facetime, phone calls, and social media rather than face-to-face time together. This shift in dating has opened the doors for a new method of ‘breaking up’ called ghosting. Ghosting is a term used to describe the new dating phenomenon when one of the participants in a relationship suddenly stops contacting the person they’ve been dating and refuses to respond to their calls, texts, social media messages, and other attempts the other person makes to get in touch with them. Many people practice ghosting because they believe it is easier or less traumatic than telling the person they are dating that they are not interested in seeing them anymore. However, before you ghost someone, it’s important to consider the following four questions.

Do you Care About your Reputation?

Ghosting someone you are dating can significantly impact your own personal reputation. The practice of ghosting is widely renowned as rude, disrespectful, inconsiderate, and discourteous. Before you ghost someone, think about whether those negative traits are the types of characteristics you want to be associated with and known for within the circle of people who are aware that you ghosted someone else. Ghosting someone else can damage your own reputation among friends and even hurt your chances of dating someone new in the future if they find out what you did to the last person you dated. If you don’t want people to think of you as a disrespectful and unkind person as a whole, don’t show them that you are by ghosting someone.

Would you Act Similarly in the Workplace?

Ghosting is extremely unprofessional. While you might argue that dating isn’t about professionalism, dating and ghosting can be strongly paralleled to life in the workforce. If you demonstrated interest in a job and even showed up for a preliminary interview with the manager of the company, would you fail to call that manager back if he called you to request a second interview? Your answer to that question is most-likely no. Even if you found an alternative position and were no longer interested in the job you originally interviewed for, you would probably have the courtesy and consideration to let that company know that you no longer wanted to take the position they offered you. This obvious common courtesy that you would display in your professional life should apply to your personal dating life as well.

Would you Want to be Ghosted?

If you ghost someone who you are dating, you cannot expect respect from them or from anyone you date in the future. Before you ghost someone, think about how you would feel if the situation were reversed. Ghosting can have severe consequences on one’s self-esteem and the perspective they have on their future relationships. Although ghosting might seem to you like a quick and simple way to get out of an uncomfortable break-up conversation, it is incredibly inconsiderate and rude to the person you’ve been dating. Although ghosting someone else might not have long-lasting consequences for you, it can have extremely severe negative emotional impacts on the other person. Considering how you would feel if you were ghosted can help discourage you from ghosting someone else.

Do you Care about the Other Person at All?

If you are considering ghosting the person you are dating, it is apparent that you do not want to date them anymore and that you are no longer interested in them in a romantic way. However, if you dated them in the first place, something about them interested you or caused you to care about them at one time. Regardless of whether you are still attracted to them or interested in them romantically, you probably still care about them or respect them as a person or as a friend. If so, do not ghost the person you’ve been dating. Ghosting can be incredibly emotionally destructive to the person who is ghosted. It can make them question the existence of love as a whole as well as cause them to feel sad and confused for a much longer period of time than it would have taken for them to move on with their life if you had broken up with them officially.

Do you Respect Yourself?

Ghosting is not just about respecting the other person you are dating; it’s also about respecting yourself. If you consider yourself to be in good moral standing and possess a kind and considerate inner personality, don’t let yourself down by ghosting someone else. You might not feel as though you owe it to the person you are dating to let them know that you don’t want to talk to them anymore. However, you still owe it to yourself to maintain your own good character by doing the right thing and acting in a courteous way in all of your relationships, if only to retain your sense of self-worth and prove to yourself that you are a person of substance.

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Weak Men & Indecisive Women- The Demise of Modern Dating

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Weak Men & Indecisive Women- The Demise of Modern Dating

written by: Jacklin K/Scenergy Dating Blog Contributor

One word sums up modern dating…PATHETIC. Men have become weak and lazy yet women have become increasingly indecisive on what they want or expect from dating. Women have made men so comfortable that they think they can get away with almost anything, this I believe has led to the demise of modern dating.

Women no longer know what they want, some of you might think I’m crazy but hey it’s true – just stay with me here. A woman will tell you the qualities she wants in a man and swears that she will only end up with one who meets her standards. But, when you look at the guy she ends up with, he doesn’t even have any of the qualities she wanted in a man in the first place. In fact, most women don’t have clear standards. They are optimistic that every guy they meet has an outstanding quality yet pessimistic when they are missing just one off their mental checklist.

When you ask a woman what she wants in a guy, her answer will vary depending on her age group. A woman in her early twenties will most likely say she wants a guy with tons of money, dashing looks, and treats her nice. In essence, she is telling you the qualities she feels will give her the best experience. But as she grows older, she starts to realize that some of the qualities she thought were important in her early twenties hold little or no significance.

Something you often hear is how a woman might think she wants a man who is taller than her because height equates to masculinity and protection. But one woman’s experience of dating a shorter than standard gentleman can change her mentality. She goes out on a first date with a guy who is shorter than her by let’s say an inch or two. When he kissed her, he held her confidently, kissed her deeply and left her feeling wanted. She had never had that experience before with taller guys she’s dated in the past. Suddenly she realizes that she no longer needed to equate height with masculinity; she needed a man who made her feel feminine and sexy.  This is not only a great experience, but also the seeds that add confusion for the woman hell-bent on a taller guy.

Men have also forgotten the courage it takes to approach women because women have either taken up that role or are no longer approachable. While pickup lines seemed frowned upon years ago, nowadays it would be nice to have some creativity mixed with confidence.  The new generation of average men are using lazy lines such as “hmu” (hit me up) or “dtf?” (down to f’).  If the dating scene would have invented “Blockbuster & Chill” twenty years ago it would of least included popcorn, Twizzlers, and the thrill of knowing you grabbed the last VHS cassette.  Meanwhile since it seems some women nowadays are not sure what they want in the dating and relationship world, it may cause men to no longer see the value in the pickup.

Speaking of conversation, making phone calls has become a dying art. Nowadays communication will happen through text, which is the most detached impersonal form of communication. We are actually in an era where your phone ringing becomes a stress inducing exercise where you wait for the voicemail and either get to it or don’t get to it later.  If we leap into our time machine again we remember an era void of GPS, voicemail, caller ID, and text message where phones were answered more.

Women assume everyone who approaches them is a creep but this depends on how attractive they are – unfortunately (or fortunately) a man’s actions will be considered romantic in direct parallel to their looks. But looks aside happy hour now consists of an army of women with their phones at eye level uncontrollably texting, all the while men are sitting back gauging who even seems approachable. Even if a guy approaches a lady with the best of intentions, he would feel like he is literally competing and interrupting her Twitter, Facebook, text messaging, and Instagram page for hot firemen.  Is this a sign that men lack courage nowadays or single women have no idea what their intention is at happy hour anymore?

Also women don’t want to be labeled as sluts but are yet fearful of commitment. They will remain in a label free relationship, which blurs lines and only works until it doesn’t. “We are just talking” is a phrase women have gotten used to which technically is a method men use to keep the door open for cheating. This way it wouldn’t really be cheating if he sleeps around because you weren’t really together. The idea of putting a label on a relationship seems like a stress builder, maybe this new era is evolving into a grey area due to our love with options.

Nowadays, it’s okay for a guy to not make plans in advance. They have options and up-to-the-minute update of their friends’ whereabouts and spending time with their women is not a priority; they only become a priority when there is no one to hang out with. Women have made this okay and even expecting that they will be stood up or causing the last minute cancellation themselves.

Men have been feeling like they are nothing but clowns to the modern woman, the independent woman has made it clear that she doesn’t need a man to survive. Ask a woman today if she needs a man and she will tell you “I don’t know” or the ever famous, “I’ve never needed a man.”  Very few will answer with conviction that they need a man in their life.  Singles argue that in this so called modern era we’ve been brainwashed into believing that the key to happiness is self-empowerment by becoming a corporate wage slave and sleeping around when convenient.

 

It has become increasingly difficult to dispute the notion that a woman who believes she doesn’t need a man won’t make a good girlfriend or wife as the one who is purposeful when it comes to looking for one. She will only treat you as a distraction to her more important career and friends’ night out. The only hope men have is to have sex with her as many times as possible until her attraction fizzles out and she moves on to the next guy. This is why men only want to hook up so if a woman is seeking more than sex, he won’t tell her he is the wrong person for her. At least, not until after they have a quick romp in between the sheets. Honesty isn’t mandatory anyway and often not celebrated in these current times.

Men also feel like they shouldn’t be spending money on dates. Women strive for equality so why not strive for it in the dating world too? Why should there be a double standard when it comes to dating? Most of them also don’t make classic romantic gestures like sending flowers or cards as everything is communicated in the digital space now. The most romantic expression some guys make nowadays is making their women “Facebook Official”, random thought but did Myspace have that option in its heyday? But we all know how easy it is to delete a picture or crop someone out when things go south – evidence of a break up for your social media world to witness.

Do you think women are to blame for the demise of modern dating? Are they enabling men’s bad behavior and lack of effort when it comes to dating? Or do men really need to step up, stop complaining and start courting women again like traditional men did?

magicfeeling

Have Singles Lost that “Magic Feeling”?

magicfeeling

Have Singles Lost that “Magic Feeling”?

written by: Ellen Curnow/Scenergy Dating Blog Contributor

Blondie sang, “Here come’s the 21st Century, it’s gonna be much better for a girl like me”. But was she right? Especially when it comes to the world of dating?

Single life, and the search for love, have changed dramatically since Debbie Harry pranced around the stage singing, “I want that man!” Has the magic gone out of dating? Does that first dinner feel more like a job interview? Do you still get butterflies in the stomach?

Let’s explore the face of dating in the age of Tinder, texting and Facebook.

NOW AND THEN: HAS DATING REALLY CHANGED THAT MUCH?
On the surface, the answer is YES. For anyone re-entering singledom after a few years coupled up, the scene seems to have changed dramatically. Mobile apps let you locate and chat to any singles within a mile of you. Pages of duck-faced selfies give false impressions. You know a person’s height, weight, hair color, occupation, salary and hobbies without having to engage in conversation.You can send a series of abbreviated (and essentially meaningless) texts to find out if someone’s on the same page. The magic of meeting someone at a friend’s party and building up the courage to ask them out on a date is gone. Romance appears to be dead.

But, underneath all that, dating today is still the same as it was 20 or 30 years ago. You’re still looking for someone to connect with. For that magic spark. You still want to fall in love.

TOO MANY OPTIONS?
Does this scenario sound familiar? You’ve had an unsuccessful date. For whatever reason there was just no spark. Before you even make it to the car park, you’re texting the next option or scrolling Tinder to see who’s new.

In days gone by, it was actually quite hard to meet people, now it seems there are too many options. There’s a danger in this: you’re always wondering if the other people you’re chatting with are a better option than the one sitting in front of you. You can’t remember what you said to whom. The temptation to “keep your options open” ruins any chance of making a meaningful connection.

Don’t be overwhelmed by the plethora of choice that technology seems to offer you. And remember to be a decent human being. Take it slow. Date one person at a time. This is supposed to be fun!

THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY (AND THE ONE YOU JUST CAN’T SHAKE!):
Dating is fraught with disappointment. You meet someone and think they might just be the one. Unfortunately, they don’t feel the same about you. This might happen more often these days because the world of dating is much faster and because there are more options, but it’s pretty much always been that way. It’s all part of the adventure. Embrace it.

Or, there’s the opposite scenario:
So you’ve been on a couple of dates and you realize you’re not really into this person. In the past, you might have told them so and parted ways. Now, you’re Facebook friends, they’ve got your cell phone number and can reach you wherever you are, they can see when you’re on Tinder. In the world of technological dating, it can be really hard to shake that unsuccessful date.

Just a side note: if you can’t resist the temptation to text, call or Facebook stalk the “one that got away”, then YOU’RE the one that THEY just can’t shake.

Do yourself a favor: delete that number!

WHAT HAPPENED TO MYSTERY?
Okay, I’m not such a prude as to suggest you have to wait for marriage before you do the deed.
But… isn’t there something to be said for a little mystery?

With modern technology it’s likely that, before you’ve even met, you’ve already seen more of each other than couples of the past would have glimpsed before their wedding night!

If dating in the 21st century really has lost it’s magic then this has to be one of the biggest reasons why. That magic, that feeling of butterflies in the stomach came out of the mystery and anticipation of getting to know the other person. Don’t let go of that too quickly, there’s no rush.

HAVE ROMANTIC MOVIES RUINED US FOR DATING?
Boy meets girl. A series of comical misunderstandings. An eventual declaration of everlasting love. And finally, wedding bells.

We’re practically fed this crap with our Mothers’ milk. From old fashioned fairy tales like Cinderella, to Disney classics like Beauty and the Beast, to Jane Austen, to romantic comedies on Netflix. We’re raised with the ideals of “one true love” and “happily ever after”. But do these books and movies set us up with unrealistic expectations and the certainty of disappointment? Particularly on the modern dating scene?

If you’re going on a date wondering what song you’ll have at your wedding or what to name your children, you’re doing it wrong. If you’ve got a Tinder or internet dating profile that goes something like, “My ideal partner is tall, good looking, healthy, wealthy, fit, organized, motivated, relaxed, funny…etc, etc, etc,” you’re also doing it wrong. And here’s why: you’re looking for some sort of movie star ideal and not a real person. You’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

While you were waiting to meet your one true love and for your life to magically transform into some sort of Disney movie, you missed out on getting to know (and maybe to love?) a real person. Drop the cookie cutter ideal and be genuine and open: see your date as a unique individual.

SUMMARY: DATING IN THE 21ST CENTURY – LET’S NOT LOSE THE MAGIC!
So, to finish off, I’d like to propose 5 simple rules for keeping the magic alive on the single scene in 2016.

1. Date one person at a time: be yourself, get to know them and enjoy their company (preferably in person and not through text). Don’t expect Prince (or Princess!) Charming and a ride off into the sunset. But don’t write people off at first glance either. We all have hidden depths.
2. Chivalry is not dead: you can be a lot more creative and romantic than Netflix and the sofa!
3. Get to know the person BEFORE you jump in the sack! Keep the mystery alive!
4. Suggestive (or downright nude!) photos are never a good idea when you’re looking for love.
5. Do not “Drink and Dial”. If you’re heading out on the town, write all potential soulmate’s numbers down in a notebook, hide it and delete their digits from your phone. There’s nothing worse than a sloppy declaration of love at 2 am. Not to mention the horror of waking up to find you booty called the wrong person.

Don’t give up hope. Single life needn’t be a technological and emotional minefield. Romantic love is just as possible as it was in any other generation . Boy can still meet girl. All you need to do is keep it real.

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Dating in 20 Years: The Lasting Impact of Mobile Technology

Dating in 20 Years: The Lasting Impact of Mobile Technology

Anyone who’s ever played the dating game can tell you that finding the right partner will never be as simple as “Swipe Left to pass, Swipe Right to ‘like,” but the unprecedented success of the Tinder app has shown that for some people, it can be close enough. The app simplified dating in a way no other dating service ever had before: you’re given a list of users close to you – a virtual catalog, if you will – and you can try to sift through the list to find someone you’d want to date or hook up with, and hope that they feel the same way about you.

What used to be week-long waits of waiting for an online dating service to find matches for you and then communicating via messages on the website turned into a process that could potentially take all of three minutes. Of course, whether this is a good or a bad thing is still up for debate. It’s made the process that much faster and more convenient, but is that always a good thing – especially when it comes to trying to find a partner? Or are we just promoting an unhealthy relationship with our phones again?

When smartphones started becoming mainstream, surveys revealed that we had begun spending more time with our phones than with our partners, with the average smartphone user spending upwards of two hours a day just starting at their phone’s screen, and only spending 97 minutes a day with their significant other. That was two years ago, and everyone knows that the mobile industry has continued to evolve since then. We wouldn’t be surprised if we spend even more time on our phones now that they’ve virtually become the all-in-one tool for modern living.

Earlier this year, Chris Feliciano wrote about how 20 years have changed dating, discussing how our obsession with technology has made it difficult for us to connect, or meet new people in the ways we did before the internet became mainstream. Social media and mobile apps have changed the way we communicate and ask each other out, and it’s leaving a lasting impression on the dating industry.

With smartphones still being improved, there’s little doubt that they’ll stay relevant in our daily lives, and in a few years’ time, we might be completely dependent on them. How could the dating scene evolve with our smartphones? For one thing, communication pre-date and post-date will definitely continue to change. Surveys have revealed that as early as 2013, the pre-date and post-date texts had been important parts of the dating process, and many relied on this communication to see if the relationship would have a future at all.

Flirting via text messages and sexting may see a bigger role in the future as well. Earlier this year, surveys by Adam and Eve revealed that sexting is quickly becoming an important part of the dating process itself, with nearly 95% of the Americans who admit to sexting (sending sexually explicit photographs or messages via cell phone) saying they send sexual thoughts or ideas, 38% saying they send sexy selfies and 36% send explicit images, and nearly 20% saying they show their faces in their sexts. Sexting may very well turn out to be another necessary layer of post-date communication, and with the rise of apps like Tinder, sexts might be on the menu for pre-date texts as well.

And let’s admit it: mobile phones don’t just make us lazy, they make us more critical of others too. While sitting at a table on your first date, you’re likely to judge your potential partner based not just on their phone habits, but on their phones as well, and nobody could really blame you. These days, the way you handle your phone can speak a lot towards your personality, and some studies even claim a relationship between the kind of phone you have and the kind of partner you are. According to the Huffington Post, “Apparently, the device you carry speaks loudly (even when your ringer is on silent). An iPhone or Android isn’t just a tech choice, it can give dates insight into your personality and behaviors, too. The study found that Android users are the more polite eDaters–they’re more likely to pick up a date at home, pay for the first date, eat at a nice restaurant and send a post-date text.”

As we continue to rely on our mobile phones in our day-to-day lives, so too do we continue to rely on them for our dating lives, and within the next 20 years, we may see our phones becoming indispensable to the dating scene.

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